Sebenarnya banyak hal yang bisa aku lakukan bila aku mau. Bila keinginan yang menggebu mengambilalih jiwa dan dengan rela kubiarkan, aku bisa jadi apapun yang aku mau. Tapi sayangnya akhir-akhir ini, aku seperti kebingungan. Akan lebih baik bila aku kelimpungan, itu artinya aku mempunyai banyak pilihan yang aku mau dan mungkin saja aku butuhkan. Tapi ya itu. Tapi hanyalah tapi.

Rasa-rasanya sudah beberapa hari ini aku semangat sekali menyambut pagi, siap memeluk hari yang baru, dan dengan senang hati melupakan malam yang lembab dan dingin. Kemarilah, matahariku, awan-awan putih yang merenggang seiring cahaya dan auramu yang menggeliat dan menggelora selayaknya harapan baru di hari yang cerah.

Hari ini pun aku menantimu. Namun tak kunjung kamu datang. Kamu membiarkan dirimu diselimuti putih dan kelabunya awan-awan. Apakah itu pelindungmu? Apakah kamu telah berbuat suatu kesalahan hingga kamu malu untuk memencarkan sinarmu?

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That moment.

When you’re in the middle of working because in two days, deadline comes to grab your neck. You’re busy writing articles. You’re busy thinking. You don’t give your mind a chance to wander.

But then, out of nowhere, like a tsunami that’s been building up the highest wave that’s ready to destroy you with all its mightiness, it comes. It splits your attention, slowly takes over your whole self.

That moment. You suddenly stop typing. You stare at the blankness. At your whole life. At every failure. You stop staring. You lay your head gently to the table. You couldn’t cry. You don’t want to anyway. You couldn’t laugh. You couldn’t scream. You’re just feeling the stagnation, the profound frustration. The everlasting fatigue.

Everything. In one moment.

You stare. At life.

You sigh. To life.

You’re stuck. In life. This is it.

That moment. A series of repressed emotions before it leads you to a mental breakdown. Brace yourself.

If I keep hoping for something awesome, does that mean I underestimate the power of reality? By something awesome I mean, something that some might say illogical, and yeah maybe it is, something like “Turns out you’re the one we’ve been looking for all along, you’re destined to protect the earth with this power” bla bla.

That means either I’m easily swept away by the fantasy from movies and books, or I have an active imagination, or my life is boring. If I think my life is boring, does that mean I underestimate banality? Meaning, I’m so hooked on fantasies, I forgot to chain my feet to the ground and actually explore my life itself. Maybe the fine line I draw from boring and exciting is blurry, maybe I myself have a little clue about what is normal and what is not. What is normal and boring anyway? Doing the same routine. Yes, but if it really is that boring, why don’t I change it? Is the line is getting thinner that the two started to get more and more biased and I forgot where to draw the exact line?

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The thing with selfish person is the said person doesn’t even know what selfish means, let alone realize that s/he is one hell of a selfish lunatic. That’s the madness about it. Just how many patience does a human being should have? Cause I’m running thin. The amount of patience I have for you is as much as the amount of fuck I give for you. Which is none.

So seriously, fuck off. For all the selfish people out there who does not have a fucking clue how fucking selfish you are, here’s a hint: fuck you.

Haunting footsteps thump and thump. Dark whispers start to fill the room. The scream then takes over, shouting ever so loudly.

Blasting the hidden and obvious insecurities, dragging and disguising themselves as a thick repressed soul surrounded in a depressed nuance.

The dark laughter. The confused arrow. Bienvenue Chez Noir.

Admit it.

In our life, we’ve been liked by 3 types of guy (if you’re a girl like me. Or girl if you’re a guy. Or a girl if you’re a lesbian. Or guy if you’re gay. Etc etc, I’m sure you understand my point). I’ve come to this realization as I reviewed guys who once had a crush on me or still have a crush on me.

The first one is the kind that you really like because everything in him, the whole personality -even the bad side of his personality-, is just so damn charming that you can not not picturing you and him together because you think you’re perfect for each other. To you, he’s as perfect as perfection gets. Funny, witty, sexy, smells good, has his own sense of style that can’t be defined by any other trend except, a good listener, presumably great in bed, and basically he’s effortlessly cool. But here’s the thing: this is the type that’s friendzoning you because he believes he can get better girls than you. And it’s true, he does get hotter, smarter, and better girl than you. This type usually considers you as one of his dudes who wear skirt. That’s all.

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I

It’s natural to limit friends and best friends as we grow older, right? As our personality develops, our mindset adapts. Certain friends that you once thought have the same vibe as you suddenly seem off. You even begin to question your inner circle. You look at their faces as you sit there in a cafe, surrounded by you friends but all you see is strangers. You question why you’re there, you laugh but you just want to get out of there, you convince yourself that you’re too freaky and picky. So instead of storming out, you just sit there and give that fake laugh you’ve been rewinding just to pass through the night.

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I know. I’m just gonna ignore you from now on. I let it get to me. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t. But I couldn’t. A fool’s matter, maybe. But sometimes you can’t help it, you know. You just let it through. You even let it slip away. You let it inhibit your mind. Then you get frustrated. But the after effect never sinks in. You’re missing the point. And here we are, back on the starting line. “We’re spiralling,” if I may quote Keane’s song. I know. I’m just gonna ignore you from now on.

The sun has set comfortably as I pulled the car from the garage. The wind blew softly. Just the right amount of humidity. Songs played in the background, check. Let the songs dominate the indoor scene inside my car, check.

Now, let the eyes be entertained by the surrounding scenery. The well designed house and building, the random architecture of these malls, the various faces of everyday people minding their own business. The trees are as green as ever.

That self-inducing pleasant feeling that somehow emerges.

The shadow of the tree above falls, reflected to the windshield. The blue sky and the clouds completed the afternoon view.

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